Benadryl

Did you know that Benadryl can kill you? I have next to me enough pills to do serious damage, at least. What would happen if I took them all? I probably won't. I mean, someone, probably my parents, would have to find my body. And my Grandma's supposed to come visit tomorrow. And it's almost Christmas. If  I just disapperared... I don't know what to do. Drew asked me to call him if i ever thought stupid, but he just went to sleep, so i'm not going to. i'll just take enough to get me to sleep.

Caving

I'm about to cave and call Drew. It's been less than a week. I don't think I can make it another week. I just want to hear his voice. it would be so easy to just grab my phone and hit the 5 and call him. but he'd be so pissed at me. i need his arms around me. I need to hear his voice in my ear. I need to feel his hand on my face. I need to taste his lips on mine. I need to be close to him. I need him close to me. It's so hard to fall asleep when all I want is him in my bed. I need to call him. I need to hear him. I'm going to die.

I'm Gonna Die

So. The break started today. I feel like i'm going to die. but at the same time, i don't feel anything. at least, at then end of talking, when i was begging for 5 more minutes, drew broke down. a little. at least i know he cares. a little. i don't get to talk to him till the 22nd. that's 11 days. it has been years since we've gone a single day without talking, how am i supposed to survive through 11.
i feel like i've been hit by a train.
"i don't want to be alive anymore."

Dear Drew

Dear Drew is a project that I'm going to be starting on Thursday evening. I'm going to be writing Drew a letter every day at the time when we would normally talk. It'll tell him about how my day went, and about the things that I'm improving.

There's just something I wish he'd do. He keeps telling me that this is killing him as much as it's killing me. I just wish he would show it. He says he can't. That if he does, this whole thing would fall apart. But I can't stand another night talking with him on the verge of tears while he sits and grins over a note he's writing to his professor. I don't know if I can do it one more night. But that's all I have with him. One. More. Night. I'm going to die these next few weeks. I'm glad I have Martie and Casey here at school. We sit up and play blitz every night, and I love it. They make me laugh so much. Especially when I'm off the computer with Drew and about to cry. I don't think they notice how often I almost cry. I always wait till Martie's asleep before I cry myself to sleep. I SO wish he'd show a LITTLE bit of pain. Why can't he at least show me that he cares? I just wish he'd show a little emotion sometimes.

He doesn't even show it on his blog, which I'm not even supposed to be reading. I wish he would give me something somewhere. After tomorrow I have no idea when i'll hear him say he loves me again. he won't tell me i'm beautiful. he won't touch me if i see him. how am i supposed to tell he loves me if he can't show it? how am i supposed to believe that he cares if he's a freaking statue all the time? I just want him to be honest with me. He's always pressing me to be honest with him, why can't I expect the same from him? whatever.

falling

So... Drew and I are officially starting our "break" on wednesday. It's killing me to know that i only have 2 more hours to talk to him before we won't talk for two more weeks. I don't even know how long it's going to be before i can actually talk with him again. It hurts so much. Every time i talk to him it's like a knife in my chest. and he acts like he doesn't even care. i know it's cause his personality is different than mine, but could he at least show that he hurts at all? does he have to act like he's fine with this? does he have to kill me every time we talk? i don't wanna hurt anymore. i don't want to cry every night. i don't want to act like i'm ok in the day. i just want to shut down. i want to turn off. but i fucking can't. cause i have to keep up with school. i'm so sick of it. i just wanna fall.

Drew, you promised me forever. You. Promised. Please don't find someone else. Please always still love me. Please please please don't forget me. I Love You more than you could know.

Last Kiss

I've been listening to Last Kiss by Taylor Swift a lot lately. It's really been ringing true with me. My boyfriend, Drew, recently told me that he wants a "break" from our relationship. We've been together for 5 years. We've been best friends for, like, 9 or something, so losing him isn't just losing my boyfriend, it's losing the best friend i've ever had, too. Some of the lines really stick out to me, especially the ones where she says "I don't know how to be something you miss." And where she talks about the boy in the song showing off and being the life of the party. Drew was constantly showing off. It was one of the things I loved most about him. He always acted so cocky, but he wasn't at all. I have so many doubts in my mind now, like I don't even know if I ever knew him after all. I always liked to think that I knew him super well, but now i'm not so sure. I feel like I'm done crying though... at least for now.
I wish there was something I could do to show him how much I care.
I'm fighting the feelings I have of turning off. I have to keep going with my life. I have to prove that I can.

Welcome to Lexi

Hey!
This is my first post on my new blog. I'm 18, I love books, mostly by obscure authors, and I love writing. Sometimes I have a lot going on in my life, so that's what this blog is for. I might do some reviews of books, too, but i thought i'd start off by saying hi, so HI!