Caving

I'm about to cave and call Drew. It's been less than a week. I don't think I can make it another week. I just want to hear his voice. it would be so easy to just grab my phone and hit the 5 and call him. but he'd be so pissed at me. i need his arms around me. I need to hear his voice in my ear. I need to feel his hand on my face. I need to taste his lips on mine. I need to be close to him. I need him close to me. It's so hard to fall asleep when all I want is him in my bed. I need to call him. I need to hear him. I'm going to die.

I'm Gonna Die

So. The break started today. I feel like i'm going to die. but at the same time, i don't feel anything. at least, at then end of talking, when i was begging for 5 more minutes, drew broke down. a little. at least i know he cares. a little. i don't get to talk to him till the 22nd. that's 11 days. it has been years since we've gone a single day without talking, how am i supposed to survive through 11.
i feel like i've been hit by a train.
"i don't want to be alive anymore."

Dear Drew

Dear Drew is a project that I'm going to be starting on Thursday evening. I'm going to be writing Drew a letter every day at the time when we would normally talk. It'll tell him about how my day went, and about the things that I'm improving.

There's just something I wish he'd do. He keeps telling me that this is killing him as much as it's killing me. I just wish he would show it. He says he can't. That if he does, this whole thing would fall apart. But I can't stand another night talking with him on the verge of tears while he sits and grins over a note he's writing to his professor. I don't know if I can do it one more night. But that's all I have with him. One. More. Night. I'm going to die these next few weeks. I'm glad I have Martie and Casey here at school. We sit up and play blitz every night, and I love it. They make me laugh so much. Especially when I'm off the computer with Drew and about to cry. I don't think they notice how often I almost cry. I always wait till Martie's asleep before I cry myself to sleep. I SO wish he'd show a LITTLE bit of pain. Why can't he at least show me that he cares? I just wish he'd show a little emotion sometimes.

He doesn't even show it on his blog, which I'm not even supposed to be reading. I wish he would give me something somewhere. After tomorrow I have no idea when i'll hear him say he loves me again. he won't tell me i'm beautiful. he won't touch me if i see him. how am i supposed to tell he loves me if he can't show it? how am i supposed to believe that he cares if he's a freaking statue all the time? I just want him to be honest with me. He's always pressing me to be honest with him, why can't I expect the same from him? whatever.

falling

So... Drew and I are officially starting our "break" on wednesday. It's killing me to know that i only have 2 more hours to talk to him before we won't talk for two more weeks. I don't even know how long it's going to be before i can actually talk with him again. It hurts so much. Every time i talk to him it's like a knife in my chest. and he acts like he doesn't even care. i know it's cause his personality is different than mine, but could he at least show that he hurts at all? does he have to act like he's fine with this? does he have to kill me every time we talk? i don't wanna hurt anymore. i don't want to cry every night. i don't want to act like i'm ok in the day. i just want to shut down. i want to turn off. but i fucking can't. cause i have to keep up with school. i'm so sick of it. i just wanna fall.

Drew, you promised me forever. You. Promised. Please don't find someone else. Please always still love me. Please please please don't forget me. I Love You more than you could know.